I stood on the edge of the world, that point where earth ended and nothing began. My heart was pounding in my chest, and my lungs were desperately trying to keep up with its harsh pace. My eyes were closed, I'd chosen blissful ignorance while I could. But ignorance can only last so long. I knew that eventually I would have to open my eyes and face reality, and I dreaded it with a soul clinching despair.
I take as deep a breath as my lungs allow me, and I slowly peel my lids back. What I see makes my heart pound even faster, something I hadn't thought was possible. A thick blanket of fear covers me from head to toe, and my limbs start shaking uncontrollably. I keep staring at the bottomless pit and it feels as though it is staring back. It's shrouded in darkness and mystery, not the peaceful darkness that promises hope of the unseen, but a darkness that's alive with shadows and creatures that no man dare ever speak of.
I wanted this, I wanted to do this, I wanted to be here, I wanted to jump. I keep repeating that to myself, a mantra to drive away the mind numbing fear that threatens to overwhelm me. But the words are like a soft breeze caught in the middle of a storm, they brush my mind and escape without leaving a trace or causing any change.
I hear sounds behind me and I know that my audience is approaching, they are coming to witness my jump into frightening unknowns. I can feel their excited energy bubbling behind me, I can almost see the cloud of eagerness surrounding them. And just like that my fear shrinks back. It doesn't disappear, it merely recedes from my outsides and leaves me looking calm and eager while it storms around inside of me wreaking havoc.
They stand beside me and they look into the darkness. Whatever they see it isn't what I see because they smile and their excitement rises. They clap me on the back and urge me to jump. I am afraid beyond words, so afraid I fear that I might die from sheer fright, but I smile because that is what I do best. I smile to cover up the storms in my eyes, I smile to keep their insides safe from my insides.
I jump. I jump and my heart jumps to my throat and I hope to god that the fall doesn't break me, that it doesn't tear me limb from limb. I watch them as I fall, waving and smiling at me and I smile back around my fear for as long as they can see me. Once the darkness swallows me, I let my fear out to paint my face in terror. When I've fallen long enough to be sure they can't hear me, I unlock my lips and let my fear out in ragged screams and endless tears.
My hopes crash around me like a tower of glass, and I end up broken. The fall breaks me, breaks me a million times over and over again, and in the end it just keeps breaking me. Sometimes fear is justified, sometimes the shadows are monsters, and sometimes a bottomless pit doesn't mean you get to soar, it means you never stop falling and hurting. But even knowing that I don't wish I hadn't jumped. I guess I am foolish, I guess I'll never learn to listen.
I take as deep a breath as my lungs allow me, and I slowly peel my lids back. What I see makes my heart pound even faster, something I hadn't thought was possible. A thick blanket of fear covers me from head to toe, and my limbs start shaking uncontrollably. I keep staring at the bottomless pit and it feels as though it is staring back. It's shrouded in darkness and mystery, not the peaceful darkness that promises hope of the unseen, but a darkness that's alive with shadows and creatures that no man dare ever speak of.
I wanted this, I wanted to do this, I wanted to be here, I wanted to jump. I keep repeating that to myself, a mantra to drive away the mind numbing fear that threatens to overwhelm me. But the words are like a soft breeze caught in the middle of a storm, they brush my mind and escape without leaving a trace or causing any change.
I hear sounds behind me and I know that my audience is approaching, they are coming to witness my jump into frightening unknowns. I can feel their excited energy bubbling behind me, I can almost see the cloud of eagerness surrounding them. And just like that my fear shrinks back. It doesn't disappear, it merely recedes from my outsides and leaves me looking calm and eager while it storms around inside of me wreaking havoc.
They stand beside me and they look into the darkness. Whatever they see it isn't what I see because they smile and their excitement rises. They clap me on the back and urge me to jump. I am afraid beyond words, so afraid I fear that I might die from sheer fright, but I smile because that is what I do best. I smile to cover up the storms in my eyes, I smile to keep their insides safe from my insides.
I jump. I jump and my heart jumps to my throat and I hope to god that the fall doesn't break me, that it doesn't tear me limb from limb. I watch them as I fall, waving and smiling at me and I smile back around my fear for as long as they can see me. Once the darkness swallows me, I let my fear out to paint my face in terror. When I've fallen long enough to be sure they can't hear me, I unlock my lips and let my fear out in ragged screams and endless tears.
My hopes crash around me like a tower of glass, and I end up broken. The fall breaks me, breaks me a million times over and over again, and in the end it just keeps breaking me. Sometimes fear is justified, sometimes the shadows are monsters, and sometimes a bottomless pit doesn't mean you get to soar, it means you never stop falling and hurting. But even knowing that I don't wish I hadn't jumped. I guess I am foolish, I guess I'll never learn to listen.
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