I Watched as You Died

The sun has set. It traveled, slow and steady, down the sky as I sat there watching. I watched as it descended. I watched as it dimmed. I watched as the world changed colors. I watched as the day shed its skin. I watched as the end of the brightness came. I watched as darkness won. I watched as darkness won. I watched as you died. 

The color drained from your face. Your heartbeat moved and changed, slower and slower as I sat there watching. I watched as your life line took a dip. I watched as your body fought to live. I watched as your body lost the fight. I watched as your body convulsed. I watched as you realized the end was near. I watched as you took your last breath. I watched as you took your last breath. I watched as you died. 

My sun had set. My sky bled into utter darkness, sudden and morose, it overwhelmed my entire existence as I sat there watching. I watched your lifeless eyes as I tried to revive you. I watched all our memories change form and dress in gloom as I pushed your heart and pumped your blood. I watched everything break and fall apart as I screamed my air into your dead lungs. I watched as I took my last true breath. I watched as I took my last true breath. I watched as you died. 

The Tale of the Awkward Girl

I knocked the door, my mind all lost. Come in, a voice said and I pushed the door open and in I walked, holding my plate for dear, dear life.

They all smiled in welcome, and I felt my mind slowly contract. It hissed at the strangers, and shied into the furthest corners of my skull.

My smile stayed in place as I handed them the plate. I began my slow retreat, but then came the words that threw my poker face to my feet.

Come in, stay, sit with us -they all said. My hiding brain panicked, and shut down all at once. My smile became forced, and my eyes filled with fright.

I tried to find the words to say no, but my brain was gone and I found no words. I mumbled some letters, but stopped at the shocking sight of my hand on my stomach.

I yelled at my brain to come back, I pleaded for small talk or a question perhaps. My panic grew as they all stared, they asked where I'm from and my answer was barely heard.

Then it came, my brain sent a burst down to my lips and I found myself asking the lamest of all questions. They answered in good humor, and I backed towards the door.

My heart was pounding, my breathing was odd. I shuffled my feet, mumbling and muttering my retreat. Out the door I went, and nearly ran to my room.

I hid behind my locked door, and laughed at myself. I'd forgotten how asocial I could get, and how awkward I can act. I laughed in good nature, not embarrassed at all.

In the end I had done a good deed, I'd given them a plate and a story to tell. They could all share the tale of the awkward girl, standing at their door with her arm around herself. 

Edgeless Lack

She tried to fill her mind with sheets of positives. She tried to spoon feed the space within her skull large bites of all things hopeful. She tried to push words of wisdom and faith into her brain with sheer force of dying will. But try as she might, all her mind would carry was a vast and echoing emptiness that refused to be filled.

She grabbed papers lined with negatives in her desperation, and tried to fill her mind with those instead. She tried to spoon feed the space within her skull small bites of anything she could find. She tried to push words of any kind into her brain with sheer force of dead will. But try as she might, all her mind would carry was a dark and silent lack that refused to be filled.

She searched and searched inside the dark. She felt around the edgeless lack, and tried to listen beyond the quiet. But all she found was more absence, more lack and more space. All she found within herself was a mind gone blank in protest, and a brain gone empty in strike. After all her efforts were worn and spent, she gave in and finally stopped. She sat among all the black waiting for things she knew not about. 

Am I?

Am I self involved? Am I so wrapped up within heavy layers of myself that I've lost sight of everything that doesn't revolve around me? Am I selfish? Do I speak more than I listen? Am I different? Have I changed? Am I becoming everything that I hate?

Do I focus more on me than I do on others? Have I lost all those traits that I've always loved about myself? Am I becoming a narcissistic drama queen? I though my water was drowning me, but is that an illusion? Am I the one drowning others in my waves?

Do I constantly complain? Am I a pain to have around? Am I as annoying to others as I am to myself? Do I chip away at people's patience? Do I dampen every joy? Do I darken every light? Do I steal every center?

Am I losing my patience? Am I letting my own feelings cloud my eyes until they become the center of my sight? Am I right to give myself all my attention? Am I wrong? Did I choose this? Can I change it?

.. I guess what I'm asking is am I different? Do I even like who I've become?