I Miss Him

April 14, 2015

Everything feels surreal. Like my life has been one long nightmare for weeks, and my mind refuses to admit that the nightmare is reality and not a dream. When I sleep I see him get better, I see him leave the hospital and I see him smile and laugh off what happened. I see him assuring me that he's alive, telling me not to worry, that reality was the dream and this was what's real. And then I open my eyes and I'm in bed and the truth sits on my chest and keeps my lungs from expanding.

He is gone. He did not get better. I saw him for the last time lying in a hospital bed, his chest vibrating as the ventilators fought to keep him alive. The last I know of him is a number on a machine. The last I ever heard his voice -I can't remember what he said. It kills me that I can't remember. I've tried so hard, but I can't even remember what he was wearing on that last night, or what he said before he left.

I don't even know if he ever knew that I loved him more than I ever showed. I don't know if he knew that he mattered.

All that is left of him now are memories that hurt more than I can bear. All that is left are things he left undone, and words he left unsaid.

I miss him.

Empathy & Disdain

I used to be empathetic. That was one of my best qualities. I could put myself in other people's shoes as easily as I could breathe. But somewhere along the line my shell hardened, and my empathy turned into sympathy, from there to compassion, on to indifference until it finally became contempt and disdain. I used to appreciate everyone's struggles, be they big or small. But something has changed.

I am jaded. My once sensitive insides have grown hard and unfeeling. Life hacked away at me, and in my fighting back I ended up losing pieces of myself. My war was so terrible everything else began to pale in comparison. My battles were so deadly everything else began to seem trivial. I was so hurt and so busy in my own huge war that I forgot that the struggle is real no matter how small the fight.

I don't like what I've become. I don't appreciate losing what I once deemed my best quality. A change is necessary. Back when I was full of empathy, I used to imagine myself as another person and write from their perspective. Like an exercise of sorts, to see if I could get the feeling right, if I could truly feel what they feel as I put it on paper. That is my challenge -to immerse myself in others' feelings, until my empathy returns and I am once again who I used to be.

And so it begins. 

Falling, and Flying

Stop clawing madly at the air around you. Stop kicking and screaming, stop panicking. Stop trying to find a handhold, stop trying to somehow stop falling.

Just let go. For once in your life surrender. Allow yourself to fall with careless abandon. Cease all movement and let yourself feel the undeniable freedom of falling into unknowns. Let the air you cut through fill your lungs and let the speed of your fall force your heart to beat at a new rhythm. Feel the pull of gravity and allow it to render all your thoughts silent and speechless.

Stop thinking, consciously and subconsciously both. For once in your life find the will and strength to silence every part of your mind, even that distant corner that you believe lies beyond your control. Let the fall fill you with such wildness that you break free of the shackles that are your mind, your thoughts and your subconscious.

Surrender your precious control and accept your own helplessness and the inevitability of your limitations. Stop wondering why you're falling, stop wishing you had a rope to cling to, stop hoping to find a handhold, stop dreaming of a safety net and stop fearing the end of your fall. For once in your life shut your mind down and enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of being helpless and the lack of responsibility that comes with having zero control.

The reality is that you are falling. Whether you struggle or not you are falling. Whether you fret and worry or not you are falling. If you think and fear you're falling and if you don't you're still falling. You're not in control, and there's nothing you can do to change what's happening. But if you fight it then you hurt yourself to no end. But if you let go, if you relax and surrender, then you'll realize that falling can feel exactly like flying.