Breathe..

Soften your heart, lend it some tenderness and let it truly beat. The only reason your mind and chest ache is in objection to the hardness you force onto yourself. Solid does not mean strong, a rock breaks but rubber stretches and resists. We harden our shell to protect ourselves, forgetting that hard is weak in its rigidity and soft is strong in its adaptability.

Soften your heart and let yourself feel. The more you fight your feelings and inject stiffness into yourself the worse you'll hurt. You cannot outrun emotions, they find a way to manifest and trust me when I say they won't leave you until you truly feel them. They are not scary. Being a still stone might give you an illusion of calm but it does not mean that you are alive. We are alive because we feel. Our hearts beat and our blood runs because they yield.

Soften your heart and let it fill with a hundred sentiments and more. Feel everything you've ever fought to keep yourself from feeling. The pain, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the love, the joy, the relief and the grief. Let a spectrum of contradictions into yourself and let them fill you. They won't hurt worse than your physical pain ever does. There is relief to be found in allowing yourself the freedom to truly be human. If you keep your insides "strong" then you outrun the positive but give the negative room to hunt you down and hurt you worse.

Soften your heart and lend it the tenderness it needs to beat with ease. I will give you directions on how to turn all your rigid into strong soft. Close your eyes and breathe. Let the darkness of your sight calm your jumpy nerves and breathe once more. Bring your shields down and surrender to your every thought. Scream every thought that should come with a feeling but doesn't at yourself a hundred times until you feel. Speak the words out loud. Tell yourself what you should feel. Say it again and again and again until you feel it filling you. Smile as you cry and tell your heart that you are setting it free. Remember that feelings mean you are alive and human, and that soft means you are durable and strong. Breathe, and allow your heart some room to breathe.

For my idiot.. 

Computerized Mind

I wish my mind was a computer, and the inside of my head had a control panel. I wish there was a keyboard attached to my skull, and a command center that responded to my every keystroke. I would simply let my fingers fly across a series of pre-labeled buttons and have my mind do as it's told.

My thoughts would no longer ricochet off the inside of my head and bounce around in games of catch me if you can. The flighty contemplations and the endless nagging of my mind would lose their power and yield to my every command. The ocean of feelings that lies beyond my control and washes over me in tidal waves that shake my core, and stormy rage that is my undoing would disappear at the mere click of Alt and F4. The maze of memories that haunts the back of my lids and courses ache through my veins would leave my consciousness when I order the process to end. Instead of spending days stuck amidst the chaotic pounding of losing past and future I would reorganize everything into neat folders that await my touch before they can release the chaos they hold within.

If my mind was a computer then I could shut it down knowing that with a tiny click I could bring it back. I would lie in my bed and send the command and wait as all my tasks and processes slowly got ticked off and my insides went blank. If my mind was a computer life would be simpler by tenfold. When my pieces broke and I got lost within the firing of my own neurons I would smile and order the faulty drive to backup and format. When I feel the virus of living death clawing its way through my soul I would restore my entire being to the last point I was functional. Time would rewind and my insides would rearrange until my past becomes my present and I am once again new and whole. If I was a computer I would lull my feelings into hibernation and restore the rest of me back to full strength.

Dark Through Light

November 12, 2015

If there is one thing I've learned in the past few years it's that sometimes we have no control. Sometimes no matter how hard you work, how much you try, how often you pray and will something into being it doesn't work out. That's just the way of the world. It spins even if you want it to stop. Life does things you don't want, and takes things you do.

We can't always have what we want or what makes us happy. I know as much, I've always known as much. But I've only recently realized that I am foolish, and that I let myself love so deeply that I dared want what I knew I wouldn't be allowed to have. I fell for peace of mind and comfort. I fell for having a purpose. I fell for things I haven't had in years. I fell for learning, and I fell for a home away from my real home.

But what does the world care? I am getting ripped from them anyway. I have to keep saying goodbye -but you know what? The fact that I keep saying goodbye just means that I keep coming back. Maybe not coming to stay, but I still manage to get a dose of my home, however minute it might be.

So for now let me attempt to divert my mind from the pessimistic and redirect it to the optimistic. I am blessed. I am lucky far beyond many out there. I have two homes, and that is something no distance or time apart can ever shake or change. Where people are homeless, I am overcrowded with homes and I have somewhere to run to when I feel suffocated. I have two families, one that I was blessed with when I was born and one that I found all on my own and joined their blood to my veins. I have two sets of people that make me feel like I belong, and I have such abundant amounts of love filling my life that sometimes it feels too much.

I lived a good life. I lost a lot, but I've gained so much. I am living a good life. I am blessed with things that I can't lose. Somethings are under my control, and seeing the dark through light is a choice I will make right now. I am full of love, I am loved, and I have things that make all the bad I go through bearable. I have things to miss, I am so lucky that I am crying because I'm leaving one home to go to another.

I am blessed beyond belief. I love you, my home, until we meet again.