I'm Afraid

I'm afraid. 

There, I said it. I put the words down, and I can't take them back. I can't delude myself into thinking it isn't true, and I can't hide in my safe little corners of denial. My fear is real, it is overwhelming and it's threatening to win. 

I'm afraid. Of what? Ask me what I'm not afraid of, that would make a better question. But I will tell you nonetheless. I will write my fears down, and hope that if they slip out through my fingers and into actual words, they might lose some of their strength. Perhaps if I write them down I can win. 

I'm afraid of what might come next. I'm afraid of my own weakness, of my own lack. I'm afraid of not deserving good things, and I'm afraid that I can't handle the bad things I deserve. I'm afraid of not being strong enough. 

I'm afraid that everything I fear will come true, and everything I hope will blow into smoke. I'm afraid of breaking and falling apart, and I'm afraid that this time I won't be able to put the pieces back together. I'm afraid of a shattered mind, and a soul so torn apart there won't be coming back. 

I'm afraid of a future similar to my past. I'm afraid of disappointment. I'm afraid of .. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being afraid. And I'm afraid that I'll never stop being afraid. I'm afraid that I allowed myself to be so hurt, so broken that fear has etched itself into my cells and integrated itself into who I am. 

Dear God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid grown up fears that can fight their own battles. You can fight away the illogical, but when fear becomes logical, that's when it threatens to win.

I'm afraid.