Stop Trying, Stop Pretending

Stop trying to protect me. Stop trying to protect yourself. Can't you see that the more you try to protect us, the more we hurt? Can't you see that you're our biggest enemy?

Stop pretending reality isn't real. Stop shying away from the truth. Can't you see that just because we cannot see doesn't mean it is gone? Can't you see that by hiding from the knife it cuts deeper? 

Stop trying to run from me. Stop trying to run from yourself. Can't you see that the longer you run, the longer we have to run? Can't you see that we cannot outrun ourselves? 

Stop pretending you aren't hurt. Stop acting strong and whole. Can't you see that just because we can be weak doesn't mean we aren't strong? Can't you see that only when things are broken can they heal? 

Stop trying to keep me sane. Stop trying to keep yourself sane. Can't you see that the longer you keep it away, the longer it will stay? Can't you see that staying sane is the true insanity? 

Stop pretending that you are helping. Stop deluding yourself into thinking this is working. Can't you see that your good intentions are destroying us both? Can't you see that our life is falling apart because of you?

Hand over the reins, please, give them here and let me lead the way for once. My way might hurt us both, but sometimes burning pains are the only way to be reborn.

Give me your hand, and let us walk through the flames together, and I promise you I will help us rise out of the ashes strong and whole. Please let's face our pain, no more hiding, no more running -let us be brave. 

Let's Be At Peace

Let's be at peace, let's forget the world, forget reality and forget everything. Let's sit on the shore and do little else. Let's watch the waves crashing against the sand and see nothing more. Let's hear the sound of the ocean and ignore what our brains have to say. Let's smile over nature's beauty, let's breathe in the fresh air and let's forget all the reasons we're crying, and all the reasons we can't breathe.

Let's sink in the salty water and feel it cleanse our skins, let's pretend the water can go into our souls and wash them anew. Let's float on the waves and feel the pull of the ocean, and let's forget all those other strings that hold us caged. Let's bask in the glow of the sun and let its warmth fill us scalp to soles and let's forget the bone chilling cold that never quite leaves.

Let's pretend the world has been reduced to the ocean, the sun and the wind. Let's pretend there's no more to our lives than this imaginary moment, and let's hold on to it with all our might. Let's say goodbye and let's just go live on the shore. Let's be at peace, let's forget the world, forget reality and forget everything. 

I Fade Away

I wake with a start. A nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that I shouldn't have been sleeping. I stand too quickly, my eyes flickering madly around, trying to see everything around me all at once.

Fear courses through my veins, icy cold and razor sharp. I try to scream but no sound leaves my throat. Tears start spilling from my eyes. The panic reaches my legs and I start running. Fear and hurt spur me on, pushing me at an unbelievable pace as I try to find a way out.

My vision is blurry with tears, and I convince myself that they're the reason for what I see. It can't be true. It can't be real. I blink a million times and my eyes are finally clear of the salty water. The world remains the same. It's impossible, and yet it's true.

I am in the middle of nothing. Like a nightmare, except that it's reality. I can see for miles and miles ahead but the world has been reduced to nothing. There isn't anything in sight, just a pure, painful white light. The light chokes me and I try to scream again. Nothing.

I keep running, hoping to see anything other than nothing, but there isn't anything to be seen. More tears drop from my eyes, and I watch as they disappear as soon as they hit the emptiness. The world was erasing any trace that I could have left. As though I was a part of the nothingness. As though I didn't exist.

I push my legs to run faster. I desperately try to stifle the panic that is flooding my mind. I search around me for something to ease the tightness in my chest. I get more desperate by the minute. My run is wild and uncoordinated. My breathing is ragged and half choked. I trip on my own feet and I fall.

Falling feels surreal -surely gravity would pull me faster than this? But it doesn't and I keep falling, painfully slow. I wait an endless wait for me to hit the ground. More fear and pain explode in my chest. I fear being lost, I hurt at being alone.

I continue falling, unable to scream, my tears falling faster than I am. They touch the bottom of the empty whiteness and disappear before my eyes. I know I am close to the bottom, and I am shocked to find myself able to scream. As soon as that first wave of sound escapes my lips, my body and my voice are swallowed up by the empty light.

I fade away.

2010

Walk a Mile in my Shoes

Walk a mile in my shoes. Go ahead, take them, try them for fit. They're not quite right? It's ok, they don't fit me that well either, but I still wear them, I still walk in them. Are you afraid to take that first step? I understand. It's scary. But you have to take it. You can't stand here forever.

Walk a mile in my shoes. Go ahead, walk and I'll walk with you, I'll measure the distance and I'll count the steps. You're getting tired? It's ok, I get tired as well, but I keep walking anyway. Are you afraid of getting hurt? I understand. It's frightening. But you have to face it. You can't shy away from it forever.

Walk a mile in my shoes. Go ahead, walk until the mile ends, see what it's like to be me. You're starting to lose it? It's ok, I think I'm losing it too, but I still keep going, I still keep walking. Are you afraid you won't make it? I understand. It's terrifying. But you have to see it through. You won't find out unless you try.

Walk a mile in my shoes. Go ahead, tell me what it was like, tell me how you feel. You're falling apart? You're in pain? It's hard? It's ok, I feel that way too, at least you only had to do a mile, I have to keep walking in them. Are you afraid for me? I understand. It's petrifying. I'm afraid too. But I have to live with it. I can't just stand in the same place forever. I have to keep walking miles and miles in these shoes.

Writer's Block

Words crowd my mind, an endless ocean of words floating around trying to find an outlet, trying to find somewhere to rest. The need to write is like a primal instinct stemming from the marrow of my bones, breaking through my genetic makeup, making its way through my cells, desperately trying to empty my mind of all those words.

So many words.

Everything inside me slowly rises to a boil, words and a basic need mingling and creating a new substance, a nameless hue of emotions that explodes just underneath the surface of my skin. The explosion collects at my throat, constricting the airway, choking me on its way out.

My words will escape.

My fingers are poised and ready, waiting for the dam to break and for all those words to pour out of my soul. I wait for them, shaking, anxious for the flood. More of the explosion gathers at my neck, I can taste it on the back of my tongue, I can feel it clawing its way out of me. I feel my words nearing, the wait lengthens but no words come out.

My words are stuck.

Hundreds and hundreds of words, that nameless color of feeling, they all gather in my throat but the road is blocked. It's too much for me, I gag and try to force them out of my airway but they are welded in place and refuse to move. I scratch at my throat, tears gather in my eyes, I cannot breathe, I cannot speak, I cannot cry. I am stuck, I am choking and my whole body is shuddering -an earthquake trying to dislodge the rocks.

I choke on my words.

I claw at my neck, fingers scoring the skin and trying to dig the words out. Gag, scratch, shudder, shake but the words are fused and they don't break. Tears wash my eyes, refusing to fall, hands fall to my sides, refusing to try, legs collapse, refusing to fight. I swallow hard.

My words pass down.

My stomach clenches, holding the storm within, clearing my airway just enough to let me barely live. Words keep boiling inside me, the need to write battles the bars of its new prison, I am still choking and yet somehow I can breathe. I am stuck, breathing air that is nowhere near enough, explosion after explosion barely contained within my flesh, emotions I can't name nor can I understand boiling under my skin and all I can say, all that comes out is a burning question -how do I let my words out?

How, indeed?

December 11, 2013

He Was There

He was there, I was here and the world was all the way over there. He had a shovel in his hand, and another was on the ground. We were friends, and so I helped him move out the sand. We dug for days, we dug for years. It became so my heart will beat, my lungs will breathe and my hands will dig.

It was dark, and I could barely see, but I knew in my heart of hearts that our pit was done. I looked up and he wasn't digging and it hits me with a shock; had he ever done any work? Had his shovel ever even kissed the ground? I look to my hole, and my heart sinks to my soles. I look back up and I see the red in his eyes, I see the jagged teeth and I hear all the lies. Had they always been there -was I truly that blind?

I finally understand and see what has already been done. I had dug my own grave, and I wouldn't see another sun. 

Being A Tree

I wonder what it feels like to be a tree; a giant oak or some solid tree of some sort. I wonder how it would feel to be planted firmly within the ground, imprisoned by that which keeps me alive. I wonder so many things when I see a tree, and I wish it could speak and give me the answers I seek.

I wonder does it mourn the passing of time. Does it ever feel sad to see the world moving on while it stays fixed to the ground? I wonder if it finds solace in growing in length and in strength, or if the pain of staying is too great for relief?

I wonder if jealousy ever touches its heart. I wonder how it feels when it sees creatures of all kinds walking past; does it hurt that they can choose where to rest when it had no choice at all?

I wonder does it fear nature's wrath. Does it ever feel bound and helpless when nature strikes and it must stay and take it in stillness? Does it hurt when hail breaks its branches and it can't so much as shed a tear, does it hurt when lightning strikes it and it can't so much as let out a scream?

Are you afraid, tree? Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you crying inside? Are those whimpers I hear or are they truly the rustling of leaves? Are you as strong and proud as you seem, or are you dying inside? Are you truly a shelter for all or do you need to be sheltered as well?

Tell me your secrets, please, tell me how you survive. Patience? Is that the key? Then please, my dearest tree, lend me some for I know exactly how you feel.