Falling, and Flying

Stop clawing madly at the air around you. Stop kicking and screaming, stop panicking. Stop trying to find a handhold, stop trying to somehow stop falling.

Just let go. For once in your life surrender. Allow yourself to fall with careless abandon. Cease all movement and let yourself feel the undeniable freedom of falling into unknowns. Let the air you cut through fill your lungs and let the speed of your fall force your heart to beat at a new rhythm. Feel the pull of gravity and allow it to render all your thoughts silent and speechless.

Stop thinking, consciously and subconsciously both. For once in your life find the will and strength to silence every part of your mind, even that distant corner that you believe lies beyond your control. Let the fall fill you with such wildness that you break free of the shackles that are your mind, your thoughts and your subconscious.

Surrender your precious control and accept your own helplessness and the inevitability of your limitations. Stop wondering why you're falling, stop wishing you had a rope to cling to, stop hoping to find a handhold, stop dreaming of a safety net and stop fearing the end of your fall. For once in your life shut your mind down and enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of being helpless and the lack of responsibility that comes with having zero control.

The reality is that you are falling. Whether you struggle or not you are falling. Whether you fret and worry or not you are falling. If you think and fear you're falling and if you don't you're still falling. You're not in control, and there's nothing you can do to change what's happening. But if you fight it then you hurt yourself to no end. But if you let go, if you relax and surrender, then you'll realize that falling can feel exactly like flying. 

Silence & Solitude

Abandon me on an island and forget that I ever existed. Leave me where there are no distractions. Let me be among utter silence, somewhere where the only sounds piercing the quiet are those of nature. Waves, wind and creatures that aren't human. Abandon me with nothing but myself, and let the silence and solitude push me into tending to my insides.

The war has ended, and I lost in more ways than one. My mind is in ruins, and my soul is scattered. The debris left from all the battles is threatening to drown the last remnants of who I am. Everything printed on my outsides is foreign. Everything that is left of me is alien. Somewhere amidst the fighting I became things I'm not. I no longer recognize myself. I lost, and I am lost.

Abandon me on an island and forget that I ever existed. Leave me where there are no distractions to numb my pain. Let me be among utter silence, somewhere where the only sounds piercing the quiet come from within. Thoughts, recollections and decisions that need to be made. Abandon me with nothing but myself, and let the silence and solitude push me into finding the self I lost. 

Barren Land

I am choking on my "independence". I am falling on the two legs that hold me up. My "I function better alone" is constricting my throat, and my "I am an introvert" has sucked me dry. I have used up all the energy my "self" has to offer, and all the support my independence has to lend. I have fallen within my own armored shell, and the walls that protect me have become my dying cell. I craned my neck beyond my now evil walls, and all I saw around my shields was barren land. Perhaps the walls had no one to keep out, and all they were built for was to hold me in. 

Fire and Twine

The fraying twine breaks. The last bare thread holding the string together lets go, and with it the twine breaks. It crumbles to nothingness and the wave is released. I feel its awakening. I feel the mighty stretch it gives before spreading its limbs into every crevice of my mind. It is a never ending blanket that encompasses my very core, it is everything I am and everything I wish I am not. It laughs at the remnants of twine lying dead at its feet. It roars its joy at breaking free and spreads within me as nothing but a wave can.

I feel it filling me. I feel every inch of the spreading wave changing my thoughts and altering the very structure of my mind. It is fire coursing through me and setting me ablaze. It burns and blackens. It roars and explodes. My anger is alive, almighty and all consuming. It spreads within me and colors everything with its fire until nothing is left of me. I have so much of it pent up, held together by pieces of twine too thin to hold it back. It breaks free and consumes me. It fills me with blind rage, it covers my strength with anger and uses it as fuel. All my reservoirs go into fueling the flame and I have nothing to douse the rage and pull it back. It is like an infection, it sickens all the good and turns it into black. Try as I might to keep it locked within my flesh it escapes. It lashes at those around me, it burns them with my new fiery thoughts, it licks madly about and swallows anything that crosses its path. It is a sickness. It is who I am under layers of self-control. I am anger and rage.

The fire burns all its fuel and nothing remains but ash and ember. I knot the two pieces of twine together. I pull the beast back into my center. I put it back into its sound proof corner, and tie the locks with many knotted strings of twine. I sit by its side and lull it to sleep. It is satisfied with the carnage it reaped, and with a soft smile it goes to sleep. I search for more twine and add more knots. I tie it as tightly as I can. I sit by its prison and look at the ashy ruins of my mind. The wave burned through my every part. I am left amidst chaos and black ash. I look for water, but I find none. 

Dear Allah

Dear Allah,

I believe in miracles. I believe in them with every cell in my body. I believe in your mercy, I believe in your ability, I believe in your kindness. I believe in you against all logic and reality. I believe that you can fix what logic and reality say is a lost cause. I believe in you so much that I refuse to believe what my eyes see and what my mind tries to tell me.

I have faith in you beyond belief. I trust you so much I know that you are testing me, and that in the end I will get what I so desperately pray for. I believe in your promises to answer our prayers, and in your promise that you are what we believe you to be. I might break and cry sometimes, but that is only because I am human and I break, but my trust in you is infinite and unbreakable.

I trust you, I believe in you, I have faith and I have hope. Please let me be right, and let reality be wrong. Please don't make me out to be the idiot that held on when she should have let go. Please let me be the person that held on against doubt and got rewarded.

With Love. 

Tick-Tock

There it sits. On that verge way over there. It rocks back and forth. Taunting fate. Tempting disaster. Challenging physics. It nearly falls a hundred times but never does. It plays a winning game. It trusts within itself.

A clock sounds in the center of my heart. It ticks with my beats and tocks when my heart rests. The sound fills every corner of my being. And I am filled with knowing; when it stops it will fall. If it isn't salvaged, it will die.

Tick-Tock.
It reverberates through the painful corners. It is louder than all my loud. It is the new center of my life. When it stops it falls and I fall. The knowledge is soul chilling -when it stops I stop.

Tick-Tock.
The deadline looms ahead. Its rocking is numbered. Soon it will fall. Unless. But my hands are tied. I can't save it. I can't save myself. I sit and watch.

Tick-Tock.
I weep and pray. I sob and hope. I use all my reservoirs to will it to be saved. I believe against doubt. I hope and pray with all my might.

Tick-Tock.
Don't fall. I beg you, don't fall. Stop ticking. I beg you, lend it some extra time. Don't fall. I can't lose you. Someone will save you. Just don't fall.

And yet still Tick-Tock.
Don't let it fall. I beg you, God, don't let it fall. Save it. Save me.

Tick-Tock.

Another Fix

Give me one more fix of fiction. Another dose of anything that isn't reality. Numb my brain cells and lull them into a world that isn't my own. Fill me with feelings that have nothing to do with how I feel. Pump my mind full of images of people that don't exist. Distract me so thoroughly that my mind finds the escape it so badly seeks. Submerge me in any world that isn't mine until my chest stops aching and my tears dry. Take me away from reality and abandon me in fiction, forget that I ever existed and help me forget that I ever was.

Allow me the leisure of being cast away from myself. Allow my mind the bliss of forgetting that I am who I am and the things that are happening are happening. Let me lose sense of the goodbyes looming in my horizon, of the pain of leaving, of breaking apart what took so long to build. Let me instead hide in a world of wizards and magic, worlds with zombies and killers. Let the drama I watch unfold and become the foldings of my mind until my own folds lie unfurled and painless. Grant me an out -mere minutes of peace living outside of myself.

Give me a fix of fiction to hush the pain enough to let me breathe for a few moments. Just a few moments of relief before reality finds a way back in. Escape is wonderful, but reality has a way of catching us no matter how fast we run, or how deep we bury ourselves. Reality crashes through the layers of fiction, it peels apart the not real and attacks with violent stabs that nothing but real can possess. Reality hurts and aches and suffocates when the fiction is set down and the lights go out. Reality is never as real as it is when your eyes are closed and there is nothing to distract your mind from itself.