In The End

I wrapped my body around his leg, holding on with all my strength. I didn't care that I was being childish. I couldn't bring myself to care how silly I looked. I couldn't bring myself to care that I was forcing myself on him. I held on with arms and legs, and I closed my eyes and willed reality to not be real. I willed the goodbye away, I willed the ending away.

He tried to pry me loose. He tried to talk me into letting go. He told me how it was for the best, how we would both be better off without each other. He said it would never work. He said it didn't matter how long I held on, eventually my strength would waver and he would shake me off and walk away. He said I was delaying the inevitable. He said I should just let go and let things take their course.

I held on through all his words. Through the nice ones and the harsh ones. Through the tenderness and the yelling. I held on with all my might and believed with every fiber of my being that if he would just accept that we were destined for each other, then everything would be fixed. I held on as he tried to shake me off. I held on as he began hurting me to get me off of him. I kept holding on.

But he was right. Time passed and my muscles began to ache. I held on through the pain of it, but eventually my grip loosened. My hold wavered. My shaky arms and legs began to ease off of him. He pushed me away from his leg harshly. He shook his leg like he was happy to have gotten rid of me. And he limped away without a backward glance.

In the end all my effort was wasted. In the end I had only hurt myself by holding on for so long. In the end I was left bruised, shaking and hurting, and he just walked away without harm. In the end he was ok, and I was not. 

I'll Close My Eyes

I'll close my eyes and walk blindly. I will let go of all my fear, and I will set aside my worries. I'll forget all about the thorns in my path, the boulders, the rivers of flame and all the other traps. I'll close my eyes and just trust. I will let my faith be my sight, and I will surrender to that deep rooted knowledge that I will be fine.

I'll close my eyes and just walk. I will walk in big sure steps, and I will do so without hesitation. I'll forget all the times my feet wavered, and for this moment I will break free of all my restraints and run without sight. I'll run and just trust. I will let my faith be my guide, and I will surrender to that deep rooted knowledge that no harm will touch me.

I'll close my eyes and run without care. I will run as fast as I can, and I will let the wind chase away my every last doubt. I'll forget all the times I was stuck, and for this moment I'll pretend I'm not bruised, broken or cut up. I'll breathe and just trust. I will let my faith be my healing, and I will surrender to that deep rooted knowledge that Allah is by my side.

I'll close my eyes and surrender my life completely to my faith, and I will let the peace of that surrender wash away every last trap lying in my path. I'll close my eyes and just trust. 

I Wish Things For You

I wish things for you. I wish them for you with a desperation that stems from the very cells of my bones, from those unknown pieces that make up my soul. If I could find a way to make those wishes come true I would pay any price -I would pay in blood and being. I would do all that it takes.

I wish you saw yourself for what you truly are. I wish you could take away all those extra layers and see the person that's hiding underneath. I wish you could bare the true you to yourself, and see underneath all the confusing emotions and all the demanding compulsions that float on the surface of you.

Push those feelings aside. Take away the desperate need for any other soul, strip away the obsessions and all the compulsions that come along with them. Strip away the happiness that you feel in the presence of another person, and peel back the sadness that dampens your mood when you're left alone. Look under all of those distractions and find the person that is truly you. The person that is hiding, shying away from the waves of emotions that it can't handle and can't even fathom.

When you find her in her little corner, when you finally see what has become of her, what you've done to her, take her hand and bring her forth. Pull her to the surface and ask her that question she's been dying to hear; what do you want? What is it that you desire? What does your little heart need?

Perhaps you will find that what she wants isn't what she's been getting. Perhaps you will see that what you've been giving her in her name is the opposite of what she's been wanting. Perhaps you'll notice that you've been underestimating her all along, and while you thought that you and she were weak you were wrong. She was strong, strong as the sun, but you were the moon and you hid her light from view.

Let her out. Let her out of her hidden corner, give her the freedom she needs to break out of you and help you break out of all those mad feelings that are chaining both of you down. Stop abusing her for the sake of a feeling that was born with no cause and will one day fade and disappear leaving the both of you scarred and pained. Love her more than you love any other person and stop hurting her again and again for the sake of another being.

I wish you would believe in your strength. I wish you would bet on yourself. I wish you would take a look inside you and see beyond the layers of illusions you're hiding behind. I wish you would realize that you have the power to walk away from the madness, the hurt, the lies and the the endless ups and downs. I wish you would take the time and effort to walk through a little rain and reach the rainbow on the other side.

You can. I swear, you can.

For my Jay.. 

I Always Will

You came at me. You came at me with spirit and mind. You crushed my defenses with your words, and tore away my restraints with nothing but yourself. You crashed your way into my heart and my life, and forced your love onto me.

I loved you. I loved you with all my broken pieces and with every tiny part of me. I loved you a love that was maddening, a love that shouldn't have existed. I loved you so much that I trusted you with complete abandon. The kind of trust that should never be given, and should never be had.

I gave you all of me. All and every part of me. And you took them all. You took and took until nothing was left of me. And then when you were safely locked within my heart, you stole the most precious pieces of me. You stole everything that I am. You betrayed me. You crushed me. You broke and tore me. You took away my wings and grounded me when I once flew. You smothered my fire until I no longer burned.

I hated you. I hated you with all those fibers that were the remnants of my pathetic being. I hated you with passion and when I used that to light back my fire it was of a new color that I didn't recognize. My flame was black and bloody. My flame was anger and scorn. My flame was darkness and hurt.

I nurtured the black flame and threw it at you. I lashed out with my new fire. I consumed you with that same black that you forced inside of me. And I watched you disintegrate as my poison took hold. I watched as what you did to me drove you over the edge, and I watched as you fell.

My anger calmed. My scorn faded. My black got drained. And I saw what I had done. I looked upon your broken corpse and I let my tears wash away the last of my wrath. For in the end, after your betrayal and after all was done. The truth is simple, and how I hate myself for it. I love you still. I always have, and I always will.

Inspired by Maleficent ..

My Sun

When did you become the center of my universe? Or is the better question why? Were you born my sun, or is it that I stayed in orbit around you for so long that eventually you became the sun? I am tired of my endless spinning, aren't you? Don't you wish you could catch me and set me free? Or are your wishes more along the line of catching me and holding me captive? 

Do you like being my sun? Is that it? Do you enjoy the attention I give you? Do you shine brighter because I can't stop looking at you? Do you burn hotter because I keep warming myself against you? Are you a sun because I made you one, or are you a sun because I needed one and you became it? Do I constantly need something to fixate on to survive? Did you become my sun for my own good? 

Fine. Don't answer any of the other questions,  but answer me this. If I shut my eyes and blind my sight from seeing you, will your light slowly begin to fade? If I bind myself away from your warmth would you stop burning hot and strong? If I can control myself and stop spinning around you would you stop being the center of my world? 

What I am really asking is this; can I undo what has been done? Can I unmake you as my center? Can I take away your powers as my sun? 

Silly Beliefs

I believe in magic. That quality of magic that is so extraordinary because it's so ordinary. I believe in happy endings for all those little stories that make our big novels. I believe in good, and I believe in a cosmic balance that holds millions of contradictions at peace.

I believe in the dependency of joy shining after every sadness. I believe in hope eradicating fear and I believe in faith shoving the shadows away and filling every darkness with content. I believe in good being rewarded and bad being punished. I believe in patience and fighting, and I believe they always lead to winning.

I believe in ideals that some believe are silly and naive, but I believe nonetheless. I believe in good beating the bad and I believe that the sun will shine after every darkness and I believe that no effort will ever go wasted and I believe that long patience ends in miracles -and guess what? so far, it has, they have and my beliefs aren't as silly as some believe. 

Rabbit Hole

I fell down the rabbit hole. I wasn't looking and my feet tripped, and down the hole I tumbled and went. The fall put me to sleep and when I woke the world was not the world anymore.

I found myself in an odd little place where the laws of physics were bent and skewed. Right was left, and left was up and down was all around the place. The ground was blue and the sky was green and the clouds were trees and the trees were none. The lights were too bright and too dim and the sounds were so loud they were soft.

The doors were walls and walls were windows that lead to the sky. The roads went in circles and the circles broke and didn't break. The air was heavy and the water too light. The people had no faces and the faces had no people to claim.

And I? I was a mass of floating papers filled with words that made no sense. Among all the madness I was madder than all and the world of opposites was less mad than I. I roamed in a gait that was falling in steps and I ran with hands rather than feet. I swam on land and walked through seas and I breathed in sand that turned to clay. And then I fell and into the sky I tumbled and went.

Years had passed. The world had kept spinning while I was away. But I did not despair and nor did I care. I was back, and right was right, left was left and up was all around the place. The ground was green and the sky was blue and the clouds were unbound and free. I was home and I was I, and the world was it.